No Nonsense
by akaeve
Summary: A little all dialogue ditty.


"There was a wee cooper who lived in Fife, nickety nackety noo, noo, noo. And he has tae'n a gentle wife. Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity, nickety nackety noo, noo, noo. "

"And what ridiculous, piece of nonsense are you talking, or should I say trying to sing….."

"Badly out of tune Tony, I may add….Ziva." "This little ditty is a song that the Duckman taught me, quite catchy is it not, my little lotus flower."

"But what has this to do with a weeee cooper, who lived in Fifffeeeee. I have a mini cooper, and so why would a car want to live in five."

"Dr Mallard, as you may recall once had an uncle Carkin, who was a cooper in the little town of Clagolaky."

"My little desert oasis, a cooper is someone who makes barrels for the old amber nectar to mature in…and it is Fife, if you remember Sarah Knox, the lovely intern we had, who worked with Ducky, her family came from Kirkcaldy, which if you haven't cottoned on is in Fife."

"And so why has Dr Mallard suddenly gone all Scottish?"

"Could be, because he is, Ziva."

"I mean, is it some Scottish celebration soon, and where is this Fife?"

"Ziva, if you look at the map of Scotland you will see, on the East Coast, opposite the Capital, Edinburgh there is a jutting out piece of land, which if you have an imagination Ziva, looks like a Westie's head."

"Tim, how can a Westie be on the East? I thought English could be strange, but this Scottishness is even stranger."

"Ziva, a Westie is a West Highland terrier…."

"And why would there be a dog's head on a map, Tim?"

"It is, if may interrupt here Tim, a figure of speech…..like the Florida panhandle…you know if you look at a map, Florida the bit going down the way looks like a panhandle…yes?"

"Yes….I understand."

"But Tony, this song, you have in your head, you really have to read the words, it is, in today's 21st century society, very politically or domestically incorrect."

"I do not understand Tim, maybe you could explain to Ziva and me?

"To beat your wife, into submission."

"That was allowed? I would have probably killed him before….."

"Think she just did David, dead petty officer over at Quantico, and yes DiNozzo, I would say the wife this time, but we got to investigate, so grab your gear….Ziva you're with me, I can't stand Tony's singing either."

The End.

Beating your wife so that she does the housework may not be politically correct these days - but it was accepted when this song was written long ago!

**The Wee Cooper O' Fife**

There was a wee cooper lived in Fife  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>And he has tae'n a gentle wife  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

She wouldna card and she wouldna spin  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>For shamin' o'her gentle kin  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

She wouldna bake and she wouldna brew  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>For spoilin' of her gentle hue  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

She called him a dirty Hieland whelp  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>If you want yer dinner go get it yourself  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

The cooper's awa tae his wool-pack  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>And lain a sheepskin across her back  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

I'll no thrash you, for your gentle kin  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>But I will thrash my ain sheep-skin  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

He's laid the sheepskin across her back  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>And with a good stick he went whickety-whack  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

Oh I will card and I will spin  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>And think nae mair of my gentle kin!  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

She drew the table and spread the board  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>And "My dear husband" was every word  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

All you who have gotten a gentle wife  
>Nickety nackety noo, noo. noo<br>Just send ye for the cooper of Fife!  
>Risselty-rosselty, hey, pomposity<br>Nickety nackety noo, noo, noo.

_Meaning of unusual words:_  
>Nickety nackety and risselty-rosselty are just nonsense phrases.<p> 


End file.
